Monologues

For a printable copy click here. To get ideas of characters here are some links: Puff Intro House Cup 3rd or Nothing

Please come prepared to read two of these monologues.

Narrator (British Accent): Heroes. Made. Not born. Except, sometimes…they are born. On a gloomy night, in a far away, magical land called: England. Ah! A giant! Aw, a baby. His parents: dead. But he lives. He is the boy who lives. He has a scar. On his forehead. Shaped like…you know. You get it? You are familiar with this boy? Well. Forget about him. This story is not about him.  Ah! Another orphan. His parents: also dead. Killed in a freak chocolate frog accident. Please, don’t ask. This boy is whisked away to live with his uncle in the even more magical land of Cattlepoke Springs, New Mexico. Where…the boy grows up! And up until a few weeks ago, this now eleven-year-old boy had only the regular problems of a child in 1991. And before he knew it, after a confusing train station experience… Wayne found himself at the gates of a certain school of female magic and male magic. Where he would spend the next seven years. Tonight! We will be taking an incredibly in-depth look at those seven years. Over the next five hours split into two parts—What?! 90-ish minutes?! Oh. Tonight! We will take…a look at those seven years. Seven years that were, in one word, eventful. It begins as these stories tend to begin…WITH A SORTING

Wayne/ Wayna (no accent): Question. Hypothetical. What if I don’t have enough of a personality for the magic talking hat to sort me? Like..how much authority does this hat really have? Never mind…This place is crazy huh? I never thought I’d go to school in a castle. Pretty cool. I’ve never really liked school. People were mean. To me. I’m talking too much. You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on…Can I tell you something? I think I might be…special? I watch a lot of movies and read lots of books, and it’s like: a normal boy finds out he actually has amazing abilities and is swept away to a new, magical world? Does that sound familiar? Because that is now my ACTUAL life. And THAT kid, through some incredible circumstances always becomes like the most important person. Like in the whole worlds. A sort of…Chosen One. AHH! Magic is real, and this orphan boy wizard is ready for seven years of amazing adventures! 

Oliver (no accent): No, I’m from New Jersey. My family just moved to England back in May, so they’d be closer to me when I started at the Mathematical Institute at Oxford this semester. Oh, I know I’m eleven. I’ve sort of been called a “math savant.” But that’s not important now. Now, I’m just a wizard…a beginner level wizard. You don’t think ending up here means we’re already bad at wizard-ing right? I’m not use to being bad at school.

Cedric (as Mr. Voldy) (into a bullhorn) Is this thing on? Your efforts are futile. I do not want to kill you. Give me Potter. And you shall be rewarded. You have until midnight…night….night…night. That went well I think. Hmmm. So, we’ve got until midnight. Anyone bring any board games? Or snacks. What do you mean I’m still talking into the megaphone? What? Oh! Bring me Harry…Harry. Harry… Okay. The megaphone is now definitely off. You ever feel like a piece of yourself is missing? I feel like that. Like six or so pieces from right in here are just gone. I can’t tell if I’m depressed or my lunch hasn’t settled or— ohhhh. I just put something together. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh my, I am just having a day, aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

Hannah (as First Headmaster) Students! Gather round. Yes. Yes. I just want to reaffirm to you all: even in the face of great danger, the doors of this school will always remain open. Never mind. A redhead’s been kidnapped. School’s cancelled forever. Go home. Never mind. The monster is dead. Let’s hear a big round of applause for the boy who fought it alone…MR. POTTER! Yes. Yes. Now, you all know I don’t pick favorites. But, Harry-he’s my favorite. Now, please, I would like to take a moment of silence for my pet bird who tragically died. Never mind. He’s alive again. Exams are cancelled. See you next year.

Hannah (as Professor McG) Transfiguration: the art of – oh, puffs. Yes, hello. Um. We’re going to turn things into other things. Woooow! Go crazy! Mr. Rivers, oh dear, oh dear. Your wand technique is all wrong. Here, you get to use the training wand. Oooooo! Eh hem. Five points from the puffs.

Ernie Mac (as A Certain Potions Teacher) Sit. Everyone. Now. You are here to learn the art of potion mak—Ohhhh. Puffs. Can anyone tell me…What. Is. A. Potion? (It’s what you put on your skin to make it feel soft.) No. That’s lotion. (It’s the place all the fishes live!) Wrong. That’s the ocean. (It’s magical liquid.) You are the most dunderheaded student I have ever seen sit in my class. If you manage to succeed in my course this year, I will eat a shoe. Ten points from the Puffs…Class dismissed. 

Ernie Mac (as Second Headmaster) Attention, students! Same headmaster, here. This year we will be hosting two other wizard schools. One with French People, and the DragoStrang Institute. They are all very intimidating, and they break dance. They are here to compete alongside one of you in a very dangerous Wizard Tournament. Anyone who wishes to participate, put your name in this cup. We’ll draw names on Halloween. It’s Halloween! Let’s find out who our competitors will be. Ow! Hot! Fire!…Mr.Diggory. Ow-hot. Fire…again…Mr. Potter? MR.POTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (calm) Did you put your name in that little ol’ cup over there? Did you? I’m the definition of calm right now.

Susie (as Harry)(British Accent): I don’t have a date. I want to ask Cho. But I’m so embarrassed. Hey! Remember in Year Two when that teacher removed all my bones? My arm was like this. Remember? Now! I have new bones! I HAVE NEW BONES! THEY GREW THEM. Boy, I’ve has a rough couple of years huh? All those evil people and monsters. And last year, I didn’t have a permission slip to go into town. That was a real bummer for me and my life. But now I have a permission slip. I got it from…someone (winks). Don’t need one for any other crazy things that happen here though. Oh well. Bye Wayne! Cedric! I have a permission slip. Look at my new bones!

Susie (as Myrtle)(British Accent): Waaaaahhh! Waaaahhh! Stop that dreadful…oh. Hello. Hellllooo. Hehehe, you know who I am? Lets talk about us. Here. Alone. Myrtle lonely, Cedric. Anything for you Cedric. You’re so cool. Think of me every time you see a toilet. Waaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Leanne (British Accent): No! I don’t want to leave. Why is everyone always so down on us? I won’t stand for it anymore! And I won’t sit for it either. And I also won’t stand on one leg because I can’t. Watch. Anyways. Look at your hand! You have a wand! Unless you look at your other hand. Look at yourselves! Hannah. You used to be so awkward. And you still are, but we don’t mind anymore! Who’s that? It’s Ernie Mac. And he is basically the best. And Sally. Remember that time you did that thing? It was amazing! Susie! We all thought you’re be dead by now. But look at you, standing there, alive. Wayne. You give the best huhs. Megan! You give better hugs than you think you do. And J. Finch. He’s imaginary, AND HE CAN DO MAGIC! We all can. We’re wizards. I’m a Puff and I’m staying, because if we don’t fight now we may never find out how that hat talks!

Megan (British Accent): I never wanted to be a Puff. Every member of my family? Puffs. We’re, like, the Puff family. But I’ve always known that I was different. There’s nothing even special about the Puffs. Loyalty? Being really nice? A bunch of lame, awful failures doomed to be stupid, walking, personality-less nobodies that no one will ever care about, ever? Ugh. My mom was a Puff. But she was different. She became something bigger. She made the name Jones finally mean something other than a bunch of … Puffs. I thought – I knew I would be different, too. But after all my hard work to make myself not a Puff, what do you know? The hat puts me with the Puffs. I did everything. I mean, I even changed my accent just so I wouldn’t sound like my Puff family.

Helga (British Accent): Students who are brave, students who are smart, and students who always speak like they’re going to throw a glass of wine in your face – and my house will be for the students who are … um … well … I’ll take the rest of them. Because as long as they are willing to work hard, everybody should have a place here. Sure, their skill levels will be all over the place, but that’s okay. There’s always a time to improve. This is a school, right? So, yes. Being brave or smart or – snakes, is great. But … why be one thing when you can be everything else? Yes? Yes. Now, where did my cup get off to? Cup? Cup?!

Mr. Voldy (British Accent): Is this thing on? Your efforts are futile. I do not want to kill you. Give me Potter, and you shall be rewarded. You have until midnight … night … night … night. That went well, I think. Hmm. So. We’ve got until midnight. Anyone bring any board games? Or snacks? What do you mean I’m still talking into the megaphone? What? Oh. Bring me Harry … Harry … Harry … Okay, the megaphone is now definitely off. So, since we’re on the verge of our victory to be remembered for all dark ages to come – pats on the back, by the way – I’ve been working on some fun one-liners to say when we vanquish our great teenage enemy, Potter. Maybe I can try some out, so you can see how fun they are. Ahem. “Boy who lived? How about the boy who’s dead now?” Ha! Or “Nice second scar … the one that’s on your whole body … since I killed you.” Or “Mother’s love your way outta that!” Or, my favorite: “Loser say, ‘Avada what?’” and he says, “What?” and I say, “KEDABRA!” and then he dies. What? The megaphone is still on? Really? Oh, my. I am just having a day aren’t I? YAH! Harry!

Xavia (British Accent): HAHAHA! Hello, children! Ooo, look. Another one. Hello, there. Megan, now that I’m free, I think it’s time I take you far away from here, just the two of us. But – oh, no. We have a problem. I’ve been watching you, Megan. These two – are your friends? I’m disappointed, Megan. Disappointed in you. I come all this way, and what is it I see standing before me? I see a Puff. That’s all you are, isn’t it? You’re just another Puff! I will do what I must. Avada … kebaba! Avada … kedoober! Abrakadabrabra! Brahhh! BRAHHH! No. Hmm. Don’t look at me like that. I’ve done this before. I’ve done it. The Dark Lord himself recruited me! And I got a free tattoo. Awesome.

LEANNE:  It was amazing! Susie! We all thought you’d be dead by now. But look at you, standing there, alive. Wayne. You give the best hugs. Megan! You give better hugs than you think you do. And J. Finch. He’s imaginary, AND HE CAN DO MAGIC! We all can. We’re wizards. So, sure. It would be easy to leave. But wouldn’t it be wrong? We should do what’s right. Like Cedric. I’m a Puff and I’m staying, because if we don’t fight now we may never find out how that hat talks! 

HARRY / In this production, Harry is played by a female.  Say … remember the First Task? That was pretty crazy. At first, I was like, “oh no”, but then I was like “broom!” And then I was like “vroom vroom”, but then the dragon broke off his chain and chased me all around the school and almost killed a bunch of people. Hahaha … ahhh. Remember that? Feels like ages ago. Bye, Wayne! Cedric, look out for that dragon! Just kidding.

Potions Professor Monologue ( While this scene is not in PUFFS the actors playing these roles need to convincingly bring the life the characters seen on the screen. For these purposes, we would like to see your best impression of those characters.) There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don’t expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making. However, for those select few who possess the predisposition, I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death. Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention! Mr. Potter. Our new celebrity. Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood? You don’t know? Well, let’s try again. Where, Mr. Potter, would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?…And what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?…Pity. Clearly, fame isn’t everything, is it, Mr. Potter?

Bippy: Hello, Mister Wayne Hopkinses! Ms. Megan Joneses! It’s me! Bippy! Your little house elf friend. (**Bippy bursts into a little Bippy song. Feel free to use an option below or make up one of your own. It should be mildly annoying, somewhat adorable, and no more than twenty seconds long, for all our sakes please.)  I am Bippy, and I am your best friend! We’ll be together ‘til the very end! Bippy! Bippy! We all say: yippeeee! Did I mention I’m your best friend?! (Spoken) Verse two of twenty. (Sung) I am Bippy— I am Bippy, and I’m your best friend. We’ll be together ’til the very end! We’re always going on adventures. You’re both wizards and Bippy’s indentured. 

Cedric (British Accent): And my name … is Cedric. Now, gather round. Don’t be shy. Welcome to the Puffs! Just a few things to get you acquainted to the school. First, the stairs move. Don’t freak out. Just breathe. Second … the Puffs don’t exactly have the best reputation here. People will make jokes about you. Or throw food at you. Or they might curse you. But none of that matters. Because, really, we’re a bunch of nice, fun, happy people. Also, badgers. Badgers are great! That being said, there’s something very important we need to discuss, the most important part of magic school: The House Cup. Here, you earn points for doing something right, and you lose them for doing something wrong. The Puffs have come in last place in the House Cup for … ever. But together, we are going to change that. This year, we’re going to win. Or, we’re going to get second. OR, we’re going to get third. Third or nothing! Whoever wins the most points? They’d be a real hero.

Character Descriptions:

• Wayne/ Wayna Hopkins – A nerdy wizard boy from New Mexico. (Male or Female Character)
• Oliver Rivers – Best friend till the end and side kick material. So good at math and from New Jersey. (Male Character)
• Megan Jones – A British Wednesday Addams type, keeps to herself and believes she is meant to be a Snake and not a Puff. (Female Character)
• Narrator – Our guide throughout the story, British, and has many heavy books. (Male or Female Character)
• Ernie Mac, etc. – A boaster and hype man type. The actor playing Ernie also plays a couple of older male characters. (Male Character )
• Hannah, etc. – A shy Puff who gets made fun of by other houses. Also plays a number of other roles. (Female Character )
• J. Finch Fletchley, etc. – A Puff who may or may not be imaginary and refers to himself in the third person. Also plays additional roles. (Male Character )
• Leanne, etc. – Leanne is a very spacey and occasionally wise Puff. Also other characters. (Female Character )
• Sally Perks, etc. – One of the coolest Puffs who has many admirers but keeps losing her glasses. Also plays Bippy the house elf. (Female Character)
• Susie Bones, etc. – A Puff who lives in fear of death, due to the fact that her entire family died. (Female Character)
• Cedric – Cedric is the coolest guy but not the brightest tool in the shed. Mr. Voldy – He who must definitely not be named. Rotten to the core and a showman. (Male Character)